When Parenting is Hard

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I had debated sharingthis with the internet, but my blog has been a documentation of my grown-up lifeand this is a part of my journey. Daniel and I had initially hesitated sharingon Facebook and only told our immediate families. But in the end we decidedthat on the day of Jack’s MRI we wanted to have people praying on behalf of ourlittle guy. We wanted people to know. We wanted support. And we definitely gotthat. I was also surprised to find out how many people I know who have hadsimilar scares because their baby hada big head…
Here is a bit of ourstory.
Pediatrician Well Visit As a new parent, these are words you don't want tohear at your child's well visit... "It is probably nothing, but yourson's head size is off the charts and I would like to refer you to a PediatricNeurologist."


We went to our pediatrician's office expecting theusual. Our biggest concerns were what to expect next in our child’s life. Theconversation we had instead was Not.What.We.Expected.
Granted, we knew Jack had a big head. We have jokedabout it since the first ultrasound when Daniel pointed out the big noggin.Daniel has a big head. His dad has a big head. My dad has a big head. Jack isin good {smart} company.
However, being off the charts means you are an anomaly– even if someone has to be the onewho is not average. It's hard when above average is not considered a goodthing and it's your child who is fitting this criteria. In Jack's case, ourdoctor did say that his big head was part of what makes him so cute {we thinkso, too}.
Anyway, Daniel and I are not worriers by nature. Wedidn’t want to waste a lot of energy and time worrying about this. But it wasstill there. Lingering in the back of my thoughts.
I skyped my parents with the news. I told them notto worry, but asked them to keep us in their prayers. I told them not togoogle, because it would probably create more concern. I told them we weren'tgoing to google, but my curiosity got the best of me and I went ahead and did abrief search. I don't want to worry, but when the appointment came I wanted tobe informed. 
I'm not going to lie. I cried at the thought ofwhat this could all mean. Then I picked myself up, snuggled up to Daniel, saida prayer for Jack and did my best to let go and let God. Worrying wouldn’t makeany potential problems go away.
Pediatric Neurologist ConsultWe went to see the pediatric neurologist. Jack wasmeeting all of his milestones and was a happy baby. The neurologist measuredJack’s head. Then he measured Daniel’s for comparison. They were pretty similarin terms of percentiles for their respective ages.

The neuro made it clear that the main reason forconcern was not that Jack’s head was off the charts, it was more an issue that hishead had grown too quickly. It had crossed percentiles in a big way and thiswas definitely cause for concern. The neuro wanted Jack to get an MRI.
The mama in me did not want to do this to my littleboy. But the mama in me also wanted to be sure that we were doing all we couldfor Jack. We discussed our options: according to our neuro, Jack was too old todo an ultrasound. We could go with a CAT scan but the odds were we would end updoing an MRI anyway. So we decided to schedule the MRI.
The official diagnosis on Jack's paperwork from the neurologist was Macrocephalia.As we left the neurologist, I googled Macrocephalia… Jack didn’t exhibit any ofthe symptoms of this diagnosis other than having a big head. An MRI woulddetermine if he had Hydrocephalus or if there were any other causes for concern.
MRIIn retrospect I should have talked to my goodfriend who is an anesthesiologist... She would have told us what to expect andhow we could have made sure that Jack had a good MRI experience. But that didn’thappen.

We scheduled the earliest scan possible at 8 in themorning. We had to be there at 6:30 and Jack couldn’t eat after midnight theprevious night. He was tired and hungry. And there was no way to communicate tohim what was going on. All we could do was be there and hold him.
Daniel spent a lot of time walking the halls withJack because whenever Jack saw me he would cry from hunger.
We finally got into a patient room and the nursecame in to prep us. She was really friendly and we both liked her right away.She said they would have to put in an IV and that because of Jack’s age theycouldn’t numb the area first.
If I had talked to my anesthesiologist friend first,we would have known to request that Jack be put to sleep with a mask first andif that was not possible, we could have considered other children's hospitals like Vanderbilt. But youcan’t change the past.
Babies are chubby and their veins are small which makes ithard to insert an IV needle. To start, our nurse put heat packs on Jack's wrists, then it took 4 nurses to hold him down in order to try to insert the IV. During this process Daniel and Iheld Jack’s hand and stroked his hair. They tried for 40 minutes and Jack fought. The entire time. After 40 minutes they stopped to give him a chance to calm down.Then came another round of trying... In the end,they managed to get the IV into his wrist. They had to put a splint on his arm tokeep the IV from moving. He was so exhausted from fighting them that by the endhe just lay still and cried softly.

After the trauma of inserting an IV was over, the nurseslet us sit with him in the dark to help him calm down. I rocked and sang tohim. He fell asleep in my arms.
They finally came in to take him to the MRI room.We were able to go with him. I held him while they started the drugs and hefell asleep. Watching him get an IV was terrible, but when the nurse told us tokiss him goodbye and leave the room, I struggled not to cry. Leaving him wasthe hardest thing. He looked so peaceful.
We waited in the patient room. The MRI took less than 5 minutes.We were prepared for the anesthesia to take 15-30 minutes to wear off. Beforewe knew it, a nurse was carrying him down the hall back to us. He was alreadyawake.
I nursed him and he forgave his nurses. By the timewe left, he was happy and even smiled and waved goodbye to the nurses who hadto insert the IV.
We went to Chick-fil-a and then drove home. Ourlittle guy didn’t nap much the rest of the day, but went to sleep at 5pm andslept through the night, only waking to nurse. He was so exhausted.
And so we waited.
TheResultsWe tried our best to not worry; to continue totrust in God that it would all be ok. Friends reached out to say they hadsimilar experiences and their babies were fine. We updated our families andwaited for the results.

The afternoon after the MRI, the neurologist’office called me. Jack’s results were NORMAL. A huge sense of relief flowedover me. I cried. I am so thankful that Jack is ok.
Part of me felt guilty because I know thatsomewhere another mom received different news. My heart aches for the parentswho receive the dreaded call with bad news. They will always be in my thoughtsand prayers.
Children are this amazing gift that we have been entrustedwith. They are ours. It is scary and awesome that we get to watch a part ofourselves grow up and form into little people. And we have to trust that itwill be ok. I think that everyone’s ok is different. For some, ok will bereally hard. But we have to trust that whatever happens, it will be ok.
This old hymn has been in my head since that firstdoctor’s appointment:
Walking insunlight all of my journey,
Over the mountains, through the deep vale;
Jesus has said, I’ll never forsake thee—
Promise divine that never can fail.  
Refrain:
Heavenly sunlight! Heavenly sunlight!
Flooding my soul with glory divine;
Hallelujah! I am rejoicing,
Singing His praises, Jesus is mine! 
Shadowsaround me, shadows above me
Never conceal my Savior and Guide;
He is the light, in Him is no darkness,
Ever I’m walking close to His side. 
In thebright sunlight, ever rejoicing,
Pressing my way to mansions above;
Singing His praises, gladly I’m walking,
Walking in sunlight, sunlight of love.